My sister died Friday, about 11:25 am. This was not unexpected, as she has been closer to death than most of us for some time,...and I don't know how I feel about it. I'm pleased that she will no longer be suffering, the bed confinement alone must have been agony. Plus there was very real physical pain, although she had many and powerful pain relievers...they helped make her loopy. The last time I talked with her, reality was more of a concept than what is usually agreed upon, but she knew I was there and peace was made.
Sometimes I wonder if I can make deep connects with anybody, I've felt so alone for such a very long time. I don't chase people away, at least not overtly, but I must wall them out. Otherwise why am I so devoid of feeling. Or the feelings that I do have seem to be only for me. I actually told someone today, "now I'm a real orphan, no parents and no siblings." How self-centered is that!
I continue to wonder about the ministery. I really don't seem to have a zeal for sharing the gospel. I love learning the doctrines, the theology, the history. I did very much enjoy leading the two Lenten services and felt comfortable doing so. I enjoy making the sick calls with Pastor Rehley. At this point, I have only said that I am willing if He wants me to serve in this capacity. So I don't really know what's next.