Time Has Passed

Wow! Three months since I last posted, the depression has long since lifted, I started smoking again, and I'm still broke. I was reminded of a pension I will be able to get soon, so relief is on the way. I have started to make plans for the future again. Naturally, all involve spending money. I am working some at the RV Park, which is taking up some time and knocking money off my rent. Enough of the blathering and on with the ranting.

I am very bothered by both the incivility and gullibility I am encountering. All our leaders are being subjected to demonetization, and as I think about it this goes back several years. Actually, when I think about elections and political cartoons of the 19Th century, it's absolutely old news. But, it is distressing. the gullibility manifests itself when we often rely on the Internet as a reliable source. Not that it often isn't reliable, but it is also a terrific disinformation and rumor platform. Yesterday, I was told that our current President is a Marxist, but then I was also told that his predecessor was a right wing fanatic. It is amazing that I live so serenely in a society with such violent political swings. This is told with much concern about end times. Unfortunately, I am much more inclined to think about current times and chalk up end times as an upcoming miracle. I should never allow myself to get sucked into these discussions, I just get upset and end up feeling guilty that I'm not quite Christian enough. Silly? Yes, but something to which I am susceptible.

Depression, Thy Name is Paul

There, I've said it, I am depressed, really bummed, in a state of ennui, blue, and wallowing in good old general all around self loathing. That tape that highlights all the bad decisions and lowlights of my life is running with Imax clarity. I can't even smoke. I quit several weeks ago and am now an ex-smoker with a lot of time on his hands and no cigarettes in them. I don't even want one that bad, it would just be something to do. Not that I don't have a million things I could be doing. This trailer that I huddle in is a disaster, but probably reflects my mental state: cluttered, unkept, full of bugs. there are so many jobs that I could do, but am not qualified for...the tape starts again.

I apply for a job which I know that I could do, but I don't have a place on their poorly designed form to tell them I could do the job. Truthfully, it's not really work, but lack of money. I have plenty of interests, but it's hard to do much with less than a dollar to your name, and did I mention the bugs:

The notorious box elder bugs. Right now they are out and about in a shamless buggy orgy, breeding like rabbits, if rabbits had wings and six legs. Far too many have managed to be inside and so I have become a bug transporter, often catching them and tossing the little guy out the door. I will admit to the occasional less than Ghandi/Schweitzer like grab and crush, but I have given many a second chance...more than they deserve

Death in the Family

My sister died Friday, about 11:25 am. This was not unexpected, as she has been closer to death than most of us for some time,...and I don't know how I feel about it. I'm pleased that she will no longer be suffering, the bed confinement alone must have been agony. Plus there was very real physical pain, although she had many and powerful pain relievers...they helped make her loopy. The last time I talked with her, reality was more of a concept than what is usually agreed upon, but she knew I was there and peace was made.

Sometimes I wonder if I can make deep connects with anybody, I've felt so alone for such a very long time. I don't chase people away, at least not overtly, but I must wall them out. Otherwise why am I so devoid of feeling. Or the feelings that I do have seem to be only for me. I actually told someone today, "now I'm a real orphan, no parents and no siblings." How self-centered is that!

I continue to wonder about the ministery. I really don't seem to have a zeal for sharing the gospel. I love learning the doctrines, the theology, the history. I did very much enjoy leading the two Lenten services and felt comfortable doing so. I enjoy making the sick calls with Pastor Rehley. At this point, I have only said that I am willing if He wants me to serve in this capacity. So I don't really know what's next.

Pagan Easter

I ran across this picture and had to use it, since the White House egg thing is upon us. This was taken in 1958, so these folks are almost as old as I am.

Pax

Pax

Christos Anesti! / Aleithos Anesti!

HE IS RISEN! HE IS RISEN INDEED!

Glorious day it is, as I remember the resurrection of Jesus. This is the day the Western Church has chosen to celebrate as Easter. The first Sunday following the first full moon after the vernal equinox. I'll have to find out how the Orthodox Church determines it, then I'll be complete. I am guilty of wanting to keep Jesus on the cross, since God is revealed so fully there, but that's only part of it. From this point on Jesus is the the revealed Christ to all who encounter Him. The old C. S. Lewis line, "either He is who He says He is or the greatest charlatan of all times." How must it have been for His followers. Sure they knew He was a great teacher and healer, and they thought Him the Messiah. But He was killed, decisively so. Even the most ardent believer would have had doubts, it's just too fantastical. When He reappeared the doubt was gone and what must that have been like. It really was Him. He really is the Christ!

I ran across this yesterday on a blog called Intersect and thought it needed to be here:

Resurrection Sunday.

Resurrect hope in the discouraged.

Resurrect freedom for the slave.

Resurrect healing for the estranged.

Resurrect dignity for the poor.

Resurrect belonging for the teenager.

Resurrect meaning for the homebound.

Resurrect purpose for wayward.

Resurrect significance for the small.

Resurrect love in marriages.

Resurrect communication between parents and children.

Resurrect forgiveness in the hurt.

Resurrect repentance in the proud.

Resurrect dependence in the self-sufficient.

Resurrect relief for pandemic diseases.

Resurrect home for the homeless.

Resurrect courage for the afraid.

Resurrect compassion to our neighbors.

Resurrect reconciliation between our races.

Resurrect peace in war-torn places.

Resurrect comfort for the hurting.

Resurrect reflection in our busy worlds.

It is possible…

He is risen.

He is risen, indeed!

In Christ

Today is Holy Saturday, which means of course that yesterday we commemorated Good Friday. The church wore black to match the mood of Mark, chapter 15, which I read. We sang our last hymn in semi-darkness offset only by small imitation candles, Since the church was burned down less than ten years ago, fire fear still runs high and we tend to avoid open flames as much as possible.

What an awful and wonderful time, nothing more horrible and nothing more wonderful. God communicates with me at the foot of the cross and I want to run away and hide because I know my great sin. But God, through Jesus, makes me worthy to be a son in His sight. The best thing is that I have to do nothing for this, it is a gift freely given.

Easter tomorrow. Hallelujah! Cristos Anesti/Aleithos Anesti! I will be going in early to help other men to stage a breakfast starting at eight. I think that we have too many people involved, but that is okay and will try to stay in the background as much as possible. If I still smoked, I could use that as an excuse to disappear. It is now day three of the Great Smith Smokeout, and actually going well. need to put that behind me and I will. Now, off to the store to get supper victuals.

Maundy Thrusday

Today is Maundy Thursday or Holy Thursday depending on your heritage. My rather narrow German Lutheran background calls for Maundy. It comes from Latin through Middle English and Old French. The Latin word is mandatum used in John 13:34: "A new commandment I give unto to you. That you have loved one another as I have loved you". Many churches do ritual foot washings this day. We Saint Johnians will do a sort of Passover Seder and a worship service. No dirty feet here! I just finished making matzohs for this evening, no mean feat in my little trailer. Of course, the Jews in Egypt had some hurdles of their own to overcome.

Today is the day that I will quit smoking tobacco, I will still smoke meats and things when I can. Smoking has haunted me for years. It has always made me feel less than I could be. Stupid, I know, but I think it has often separated me from the Lord. It's that example thing and has hung me up for years. Or, maybe I have used it as a convenient excuse. I have decided that if I am to go forward in my service to God, I must put it behind me. How many years? Forty-nine, a lot more than I have left. I need prayer more than ever. I am told that the physical craving goes away in a short time. Maybe I'll put on weight, a little wouldn't hurt.

Soli Deo Gloria!