Today is Holy Saturday, which means of course that yesterday we commemorated Good Friday. The church wore black to match the mood of Mark, chapter 15, which I read. We sang our last hymn in semi-darkness offset only by small imitation candles, Since the church was burned down less than ten years ago, fire fear still runs high and we tend to avoid open flames as much as possible.

What an awful and wonderful time, nothing more horrible and nothing more wonderful. God communicates with me at the foot of the cross and I want to run away and hide because I know my great sin. But God, through Jesus, makes me worthy to be a son in His sight. The best thing is that I have to do nothing for this, it is a gift freely given.

Easter tomorrow. Hallelujah! Cristos Anesti/Aleithos Anesti! I will be going in early to help other men to stage a breakfast starting at eight. I think that we have too many people involved, but that is okay and will try to stay in the background as much as possible. If I still smoked, I could use that as an excuse to disappear. It is now day three of the Great Smith Smokeout, and actually going well. need to put that behind me and I will. Now, off to the store to get supper victuals.

Maundy Thrusday

Today is Maundy Thursday or Holy Thursday depending on your heritage. My rather narrow German Lutheran background calls for Maundy. It comes from Latin through Middle English and Old French. The Latin word is mandatum used in John 13:34: "A new commandment I give unto to you. That you have loved one another as I have loved you". Many churches do ritual foot washings this day. We Saint Johnians will do a sort of Passover Seder and a worship service. No dirty feet here! I just finished making matzohs for this evening, no mean feat in my little trailer. Of course, the Jews in Egypt had some hurdles of their own to overcome.

Today is the day that I will quit smoking tobacco, I will still smoke meats and things when I can. Smoking has haunted me for years. It has always made me feel less than I could be. Stupid, I know, but I think it has often separated me from the Lord. It's that example thing and has hung me up for years. Or, maybe I have used it as a convenient excuse. I have decided that if I am to go forward in my service to God, I must put it behind me. How many years? Forty-nine, a lot more than I have left. I need prayer more than ever. I am told that the physical craving goes away in a short time. Maybe I'll put on weight, a little wouldn't hurt.

Soli Deo Gloria!

Palm Sunday

Today is Palm Sunday. What a time, a time to both cheer and cry. I find myself first with the those welcoming Jesus into Jerusalem, hailing him as Messiah. Secondly, I find myself dreading what is to come: a horrific death. But mostly, today is a time of great anticipation, the hosannas, the palm strewn roadways, the giddy hopes of a liberator arriving. It's not fair, really, I know the story, what will happen and so my celebration is less than robust. I would do well to live more in the moment. Too much energy is spent looking forward or backward, and not enough time in the moment.

Yesterday, was a wonderful day for moments. I went with Pastor Rehley to visit my sister in the hospital. I haven't seen her for some time. I think I've been angry with her bacause she is sick, because she is so visibly dying and when that happens my birth relatives are gone. How selfish I am! Seeing her was a moment that made me realize just how selfish. She needs me now and so often I haven't been there. I hope to change that.

After seeing Sue, we stopped to visit two others in care. It makesme wonder if that is to be my role. If I became the vicar here and later the pastor, would I be the one visiting the people I worship with today. They are for the most part older than I and in ten or fifteen years will be in nursing homes. Will I be the one carrying church news, issuing the sacraments, praying over them.

Then, we also visited a teenage girl who wants to be baptized. She has agreed to be welcomed into God's kingdom on Easter Sunday. It was a day of beginnings and endings and endings and beginnings. A young lady will be ending one life and beginning another. The seniors are soon to begin a new life and end another. That God has allowed me to see all this is fairly amazing and contributes to my feelings of not being up to the job. Oddly, I am drawn to it like a moth to a flame.

Well, then off to shout hosanna and collect my palm.

In Christ!

The Externally Barren Mind

I am beginning to wonder how long that I can keep this up. This being a attitude of contentment while mostly doing nothing but existing. I get up, pray, listen to the news, study some via the seminary, do the coffee thing at the clubhouse, listen to music and smoke way too much. I have little intercourse with actual people. I didn't realize how much of my social interaction was satisfied by working. Even though I have slightly considered going into a monastery, I wonder if I could endure the silence. Actually, I think what it is, I do nothing. I'm in this trailer day in day out and not really accomplishing anything. But is that really necessary, the accomplishing. I don't know. I need to ask God for help and guidance.
I have been putting some photographs up on flikr. I like this one a lot and have added it here. It was taken on a trip to Boise on one of my many job searches. The original is in color, but it is much nicer in black and white seeming to have a full range of the grey scale. In some ways it is a good representation of my current state of mind: kind of barren, but looking ahead.

In Christ!

I've Done It Now

Recently, I stumbled across the Special Ministery Program of the Lutheran Church Missouri Synod. I did some research on it with Steve in mind. He has a great heart and I think the right stuff to make a good pastor. Anyway, I mentioned this to my pastor, James Rehley, thinking he might want to check it out. He did and thought I would also be a good candidate, and should think about it. So, after several weeks of soul searching, I have haltingly said yes. I will go ahead on the principle that the Lord will open and close doors. As long as they are open, I will go forward. I hesitate so much because I have a less than stellar history, more like glaring one. Twice divorced, several DUI's, not typical dog collar material. I guess, though, it could help that I have survived all that with a stronger faith than ever. If anyone needs salvation, I do. Of course, I think we all do. If God gave, even the best of us, our just desserts, we'd all be toast. I do spend far too much time in "bad decisions I have made" mode...way unproductive. Back to the doors thing.

God Didn't Strike Me Down

I survived. The Wednesday night service went well. I wish the attendence had been better, but that is very much out of my hands. I ended up providing a pot of black beans & ham for our pre-service dinner. (I recently got Food Stamps and feel like the King of Food.) I started the beans Tuesday evening and finished them Wednesday in time to have a bowl for lunch. When I arrived at church I learned no one had signed up to provide food, so I was able to do so. God works in mysterious ways.
Discovered a Lutheran Rosary recently, although I think the old Daily Office is just as good. I do love Luther's morning and evening prayers and wish we would teach them more.

Back Again

I'm finally back. The first post since December, but I can't beat myself up about that. I feel pretty good actually, considering. I was finally layed off the first weekend in January...no business. I am not able to collect unemployment, because of working under the table. No one to blame but myself. But, a most important but, I am not all that depressed. I think that I am finally getting it. It being St. Paul's "the peace that passes all understanding." Peace in times both good and bad, so that is good.
Today is the third Wednesday in Lent and tonight I am leading our Lenten service. I worry so much that I am all style and no substance, whether I will rely on my performance skills to sell the message, rather than something more heartfelt. It is something that I wrestle with, often. The only training that I formally received taught me how to perform and how to read books. As long as what I am doing is to the glory of God, I think that I'm alright. Many modern American Christians don't observe Lent. I don't know why, perhaps it is too Roman Catholic. Historically, the church has observed a type of Lent since the middle of the second century. (That we know of.) So, it would seem to me that it has a long and tolerably honorable history. Anyway, I am glad that we observe it it, to prepare and remind us of the upcoming passion. It is, after all, the defining moment of Christianity, the fulfilment of a promise given way back in Genesis 3. It's why I still like my crosses to be complete with the corpus, i.e. a true crucifix. Although some feel the resurrection is the seminal moment, but I have always felt it was the sacrifice that redeemed me, not the rising.
Wish me grace, tonight.
Sole Deus gloria!